If you realize you've been a jerk, say so. Swallow your pride and get on with the making up. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. © iStockphoto.com/Brian Raisbeck-
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By Geri K. Metzger, Staff Writer, myOptumHealth
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You said at least eight of the "top 10 things you should never say to a woman." Now you're sorry and you want to make up. Having a fight with your partner is stressful, especially for men who tend to be avoidant. Men often feel more anxious than women about confronting relationship conflicts. This makes the "make-up talk" even more agonizing.
In the doghouse
Don't let your relationship go to the dogs. If you're in the doghouse, here are some tips to get you back in good graces.
- Be quick. If you realize you've been a jerk, say so. Swallow your pride and get on with the making up. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
- Be honest. Speak from your heart. You may not be articulate or sound romantic, but if it's genuine, she'll get it. If you were wrong, admit it. If she was wrong, forgive her. Own your own feelings. Use "I" statements. "I'm mad because ..." instead of "You make me angry because ...." Explain how you feel and don't expect her to read your mind.
- Be gentle. Think about why you first fell in love with her. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and realize she's probably hurting too.
- Listen. Make an effort to listen to what she has to say. Don't mentally rehearse your response while she's talking. This can be hard to do when you are tense. Ask questions. Don't interrupt, but repeat what you think you've heard to see if you understand. This is Active Listening 101, fellas. "I think I heard you say that when I do _____, it upsets you." Never say "never" or "always." These absolutes are "never" right.
- Be available. Take her calls. Stop by after work. Call to "just to check in."
- Give her gifts. Give her something that says she's special. Flowers or a card with some handwritten heartfelt words can do wonders. It's a good follow-up, but gifts shouldn't replace a genuine apology.
- Make her laugh. Laughter can dissolve an argument almost instantly. Don't use sarcasm, though; it can backfire. Self-deprecating humor is highly recommended.
Like many of life's uncomfortable moments, initiating the make-up is among the most grueling for men. Take the initiative. Sometimes love does mean you have to say you're sorry.
View the original How to make up after a fight article on myOptumHealth.com
SOURCES:
- Simpson JA, Collins WA, Tran SS, Haydon KC. Attachment and the experience and expression of emotions in romantic relationships: a developmental perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2007;92(2):355-367. Accessed: 02/08/2008
- U.S. Department of State. Active listening. Accessed: 02/08/2008
